How to turn a 2 minute explanation into a 15 minute wafflefest

Image from Free Clip Art via Wikimedia Commons

It is practically everywhere, fitness regimes that explain biology for a bit too long, list articles that have just one or two pointless additions, and speeches that have just a bit too much build up.

I blame modern education, specifically the use of buzzwords, terminology and reaching a word count. All through secondary school education, your teacher would give you huge props for ticking certain boxes. To a degree, of course demonstrating that you know the field you’re talking about is important. Equally, you need to be able to write a certain amount for a marker or examiner to be able to make a proper assessment.

What we’ve been left with is buzzword salads and waffle; in speech and in writing.

Ironic isn’t it, I’m writing a full rant about the sort of annoyance that comes and goes in seconds to the small minority of people who let themselves be annoyed by it.

Into specifics, I won’t say his name for courteous reasons and because I don’t know his name. But, a few months ago, my internet cookies pointed me towards ads upon ads of people outlining their fitness and diet regime. I watched about 14-15 minutes of a half an hour video before I realised he hadn’t said anything.

No, seriously, the guy was talking the whole time, he said some stuff about different diets for different people and different body types… yada yada. Not one body type was named, not one diet plan was outlined. He just kept changing lanes of speech mid sentence so casually and expertly that it took me a quarter of an hour of forehead-creased, undivided attention to realise he was serving me up more waffle than a US diner.

But why on earth would you, who gains from fishing in a bunch of poor suckers from the internet to watch your video a little while. My theory is, that there was a little banner at the bottom selling his book, and this arm-waving, deltoid-flexing, yet long-necked sculpture of a man would probably be able to sell you his “how to" book if he’d been reading off a religious leaflet for the half hour.

I mean, you see Jon Hamm’s book of charisma on your screen you’d probably nod your head endlessly at any complex sentences he threw together that made your brain stop and just assume he was spitting absolute dynamite knowledge.

Not everyone is going to be this effective. Far too many people think build up to a story about their affair is comparable to Steve Jobs unveiling the original iPhone. In a room where millions of journalists are scribbling shorthand for his every word, with billions of potential consumers eagerly watching at home, you may be afforded more patience from your audience.

For the rest of you, tell me what you’re selling, give me an interesting prologue to your story. Please don’t tell me how an experience made you feel for two paragraphs before you unleash the juicy details.

Sorry if I went on a bit.