I’m an arachnophobic, Darren! Well maybe, but look at this guide to work out where you are.
Credit to Ricardo Montes via Blogspot
Level 1- “If it goes under my sleeve slap it off”
If you identify with this group then you qualify by the most minor of increments into the scale. These people will happily play with the spider-like it’s a ladybird, moving it between their hands like wet dough. BUT, the moment that cute little thing makes a mad dash up his arm? This person will start blinking a bit quicker and flick ol’ buddy to whence it came.
Level 2- “It’s fine it’s just a spid- it’s over there right?- okay yeah leave it alone…” *looks once more*
Level 2 wish they were level 1’s, who wish they were level 0s. So you feel for those who are not quite fearless, but were just so damn close. The level 2s will sneak a look at the spider whenever they think you aren’t aware, just to make sure it doesn't get any ideas. It’s stressful being a level 2, because they don't want to be lumped in with the bulk of the bell curve; so they're doomed to compress their fears to maintain their reputation.
Level 3- “Okay, w-w-where’s the cup and cardboard”
Otherwise known as the auxiliary level 1s, these angels are pushed forwards by level 4+ simply because they aren't given a choice in the matter. Rarely are level 3s in the working class, and probably not from Australia either. If you recognise yourself in this category, then you likely have a partner much higher on the chart that is a million miles away from being able to touch any kind of spider.
Level 4- “I’m just making sure it doesn't drop into my mouth”
The level 4s are the bulk of the bell curve for anyone who would declare themselves arachnophobes. These people are really hoping they don't have to run away, but they will. Level 4s see a money spider chilling on the ceiling and not take their eyes off it, whether they're cooking, watching television or juggling knives. If your household is full of 4s and above, the spider is living and dying in your house, because no one is touching it. The ideal landlord for a spider; no evictions, but no screaming either.
Level 5- “Everything stops until we get rid of it”
An estimate 3 million households worldwide are frozen because of authoritative level 5s, who insist on inaction until the spider is dealt with. The problem is, 15% of households don't have a level 3 or lower. If you are doing a house viewing and there are stationary humans present, don't worry, they are removed upon sale.
Level 6- “Nope, nope, nope”
Good lord, what pitiful human beings 6's are. If you know a level 6 then you've probably never been on a plane, climbed a tree or tried seafood with them. If a spider touches a level 6, you have to run them a hot bath and prepare for a foul mood. A level 6 will leave any room a spider has marked promptly.
Level 7- “Sorry about your lamp” :/
Yeah, you might want to start billing a 7 from the get-go. See how I was talking about how 6s vacate any room with a spider? Any house with a few 7s and a shed spider in it has a fire assembly point line out on the street. This is either an imitation of a fire drill or an actual fire that's been caused by the uprooting of just about every wire or gas pipe in the house in the way of their escape out the door. The weird thing is that 7s never warn you they’re 7s upon meeting them, they believe it’s far more sporting to wait for the dramatic reveal.
Level 8- “Why do I hear ‘The Immigrant Song’?”
Level 8 is conceptual, I’ve never met one so I thought I’d imagine what they would be like. When fear turns to hatred, the people who spent junior school weaponizing magnifying glasses won’t stop at evacuation. I can only assume an 8 would suit up and find their home, or burn the house down behind them.
P.S- The scale applies to moths too